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When great sex becomes a great disaster story

Heard the one about the guy who ‘broke’ his penis? What about the one about the one who “fell” on a toilet brush and had to have it surgically removed from his lower intestines? Sex is awesome but it’s easy to get carried away and find yourself hot and bothered for a totally different reason!

A mixture of tragic and funny, we’ve compiled a short list of accidents that can happen during sex and tips on how to avoid similar bad experiences.

“I tripped and fell”

condescending doctorDon’t lie to your doctor about what happened, the chances are they have seen it all before and your porky pies are more likely to amuse them than what has actually happened to you. Avoid the embarrassment and the painful surgery in the first place and only put things in your body that have a wide base on that can’t get lost. Bottles, mobile phones and cans of deodorant? No, just no.

Broken penis

This injury is most likely to happen with an enthusiastic girl on top. Filled with blood, if the erect penis receives a blunt force trauma it can technically be broken. Did you hear a loud ‘pop!’ sound? Are you in unbearable pain, and does your old chap looks purple and bent like an aubergine? Yep, you have likely broken your penis. If this happens then get down to A&E as soon as you can as the doctor will want it scanned and assessed for damage as you could need surgery to fix the damaged tissue. Too embarrassed to go? If you leave it too long your penis could be non-functional for the rest of your life. Bummer.

Torn foreskin

It’s not as hard as you think to tear your frenulum (colloquially known as the ‘banjo string’). Again, you’ll know about it pretty quickly if it happens as it’ll hurt and there will probably be a fair bit of blood. A small tear may not need immediate medical attention so use your common sense to make the call but either way, your amorous activities will be over for the night. Take our advice and always use plenty of lube to avoid this little accident happening.

Losing the key to the handcuffs

handcuffedNothing screams “passion killer” quite like honey, I lost the key. Well don’t panic, as long as you’ve not done them up too tight, you’ve got time to figure out what to do even if your partner is threatening to kill you if you don’t get them out right now! Make sure they are warm, reassure them and check out how to pick the lock, there are plenty of tutorials online. All you need is a paper clip or a bobby pin if you’ve got standard handcuffs that you can buy from any reputable sex shop. Just try not to think of Stephen King’s Gerald’s Game.

Don’t forget to breathe

Some people are into autoerotic asphyxiation and others are happy to involve a partner. That’s cool but it’s not something to take lightly because there are serious risks involved. Nobody is really sure exactly how many people die every year from erotic asphyxiation as families may clear away evidence before police arrive or coroners rule a death as a suicide or ‘inconclusive’. Even asking a friend to be your spotter could still result with you in a whole heap of trouble. Unfortunately, we aren’t aware of any doctor-approved way to restrict your intake of oxygen.

Don’t forget the safe word

The sexiest thing is trust. Apparently. If you are indulging in some BDSM or even a rape fantasy make sure you are both fully aware of the ground rules and have a safe word for if things get too intense or if you’re not having fun anymore.

Tied up too tight

sexy woman tied to bedIf your hands or fingers, feet or toes are tied up and going tingly, don’t ignore it. Whether you’re using handcuffs, rope or tape to restrain your partner for sexy times, leave enough room for them to move about. Restricting the blood flow can cause circulation problems and nerve damage. If left too long, you could do yourself or your partner some real damage that could result in infection, amputation or in the worst case scenario, death. Take care of the people you’ve tied up and had sex with!

Just remember, things are never so bad that they can’t get worse! If you find yourself in a sticky situation then stop what you are doing and try to relax. If you need to seek medical attention from a sex accident then don’t delay treatment, the consequences can range from unpleasant to fatal. Enjoy crazy sex but be sensible and keep safe.

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